I don’t know how many times I have said those words. I’m sorry, I can’t make it. I do know I have said it enough that people assume I will not be attending a dinner, a party, a wedding, a girls night, etc. I don’t want it to be this way. I don’t want to be this way. I want to be dependable. I want to see my friends and my family. I don’t want to continuously be controlled by my disorder. So here it is:
When I say I can’t make it somewhere, here is what might have happened…
- I gained weight since the last time you saw me. Whether or not that is true, I still firmly believe it.
- I have tried on the eighth outfit, spent an hour looking at myself in the mirror, and now I am in the middle of a panic attack.
- I messed up my makeup or my hair. I have convinced myself I am in no condition to leave the house.
- I have not done my laundry, because I don’t want to put on my jeans. I know that if I put on my freshly cleaned jeans, they will be too tight. This simple process will lead me to break down or worse, I will think about cutting myself as punishment for not being skinny enough.
- I have spent an hour in bed, thinking up all the things that are wrong with me. I now persuaded myself that no one wants to see me. If I show up to the event, people would be disgusted by my appearance.
My friends, my family, I am sorry I can’t make it. I am sorry I have let my disorder be in control. But, I am determined to get better. I will be better than I was yesterday. I’m so thankful, you haven’t given up on me.
Thanks for reading,