Sorry, I Can’t Make It

I don’t know how many times I have said those words.  I’m sorry, I can’t make it.  I do know I have said it enough that people assume I will not be attending a dinner, a party, a wedding, a girls night, etc.  I don’t want it to be this way.  I don’t want to be this way.  I want to be dependable.  I want to see my friends and my family.  I don’t want to continuously be controlled by my disorder.  So here it is:
When I say I can’t make it somewhere, here is what might have happened…

• I gained weight since the last time you saw me.  Whether or not that is true, I still firmly believe it.

• I have tried on the eighth outfit, spent an hour looking at myself in the mirror, and now I am in the middle of a panic attack.

• I messed up my makeup or my hair.  I have convinced myself I am in no condition to leave the house.

• I have not done my laundry, because I don’t want to put on my jeans.  I know that if I put on my freshly cleaned jeans, they will be too tight.  This simple process will lead me to break down or worse,  I will think about cutting myself as punishment for not being skinny enough.

• I have spent an hour in bed, thinking up all the things that are wrong with me.  I now persuaded myself that no one wants to see me.  If I show up to the event, people would be disgusted by my appearance.

My friends, my family, I am sorry I can’t make it.  I am sorry I have let my disorder be in control.  But, I am determined to get better.  I will be better than I was yesterday.  I’m so thankful, you haven’t given up on me.

Thanks for reading,

Kymberlee Faye