There was always one thing that I wanted to be growing up. I wanted to be a mother. I wanted to raise my own family.
I first became an aunt when I was 6 years old. I loved being around my niece and helping take care of her. Soon I was surrounded by many nieces and nephews. I would spend many weekends spending time with my sister and her family. During this time I realized that I really enjoyed helping take care of my nieces and nephews. I also was pretty amazing at it, if I do say so myself.
I wanted to become a mother for many reasons. One of those reasons was I was surrounded by amazing mother figures. For example, my grandma. She has always been my hero. She has the heart to love everyone unconditionally. She has the humor to not take life to seriously and enjoy the small things. She has the fierceness to not let life keep her down. And she raised a group of outstanding human beings. My mother, my aunt, and my two uncles.
My mother is the most selfless person I know. She does everything she can to help others. The best part? She never tells anyone or brags about all the things she does. She does it, without any attention, and without the need for recognition. She also has a great sense of humor and never takes life too seriously. I don’t know where I would be without her. She has loved me at my most unloveable moments. She never gave up on me, even though there were many times I wanted to give up.
My sisters are also amazing mothers. My oldest sister became a mom when she was 18. She put herself through college and got a Masters Degree when she had 4 kids at home! How amazing that she could be a wonderful, supportive mother and still be able to grow professionally?! I’m teaching and taking courses here and there, but I still struggle to stay sane without having a family to take care of.
My other sister is a new mother. It has been fun to see her becoming the best mommy to her son. Growing up, she was always my rock. She still is. Whenever I need support, she has always been there for me. No matter how crummy of a day I have had, whenever I talk to her or am around her, she makes me feel like everything is going to be okay.
With all the amazing examples of mothers, and the experiences I had with my nieces and nephews, it isn’t a surprise to me why I wanted to become a mother so badly.
However, when I was 16 years old I had started seeing doctors for some medical issues I had been having. After years and years of testing, I found out hat I wouldn’t be able to carry a child.
My body no longer produced hormones. I was devastated. Why was this happening to me?
But deep down, I always knew the truth. I was the one to blame. I had damaged my body through years of having an eating disorder and other self destructive behaviors.
My plea to my readers, if you are struggling with an eating disorder, whether it be binge eating, avoiding eating, or purging, please seek help. If you are struggling with self destructive behaviors, confide in someone you feel is safe.
Whatever you are going through, there is always going to be someone who will help you and love you no matter what. It is important to know that your actions now will affect you more than you realize. I wish I had reached out sooner, but I didn’t. When I did reach out, I had already caused my body irreversible damage.
As always, thank you for reading and your support. It means the world to me ❤
Reaching out for help:
- National Eating Disorders Association — http://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org
- 1-800-931-2237 (National Eating Disorder Help Line)