TW: Eating Disorder, Suicide
The relationship was all sorts of unhealthy and because of it, I started to engage in unhealthy eating habits again. Thinking back, this is a habit that I tend to fall back on when it feels like I don’t have control over things.
I didn’t think I had a problem until my hair started getting really thin and began falling out. I was mortified. This was the real reason I asked for help. It is such a vain reason to get help, but I guess no reason is too small to seek help.
In my most recent post, I wrote about finding therapist who was actually helpful and some of the things she helped me with. But I stopped seeing her because I didn’t want to do inpatient care.
Looking back, she probably wouldn’t have forced me but I had a lot of irrational thoughts about what she might do. Part of my Body Dysmorphia Disorder is that I have irrational thoughts and then because of those thoughts I tend to act in irrational ways.
So, I was at a crossroad of getting the help I needed or giving up. Unfortunately, because my fear was so great, I chose to stop therapy. My thought was that I made this far in life without the support I needed that I was probably going to be fine without it. And I was fine for quite a bit.
I started dating my now husband pretty close to when I quit therapy. I was happy and things were great, so it didn’t seem like therapy was needed. I was back to eating regularly. I was still trying to use the cognitive mapping technique that my therapist taught me so that I could handle things better when I started having my irrational thoughts. It wasn’t like I abandoned treatment altogether… I just really didn’t want to go to inpatient care.
As time went by, I used the cognitive mapping skill less and less because it seemed I was ‘better.’ My husband and I got married and I began teaching for the first time. Things were wonderful, but I soon started getting really stressed with work and adjusting to my new home life. But life went on and I just kept getting more and more stressed. I don’t know if people understand how demanding teaching is, but until you step foot in a classroom and become accountable for 25+ students’ education, there really isn’t a way to understand or explain it.
Unfortunately, my depression became really bad during my first years of marriage. I was working 14-hour days, sleeping 5 hours or less, and I became unable to manage my irrational thoughts and behaviors. I was becoming angrier and angrier about the smallest things. I was spiraling into very dark places. This went on for a couple of years before things got really unmanageable.
Almost two years ago, my husband called the cops on me. I hadn’t been myself in quite a while and I was having a lot of suicidal thoughts. I was overwhelmed, things were getting harder, my obsessive thoughts were weighing heavy on me, and I felt that things were never going change.
One night, after my husband went to sleep I made the decision to act upon my thoughts. Even writing this, I don’t remember much of the details because I was so outside of myself. I honestly felt that this was the only solution. I could not handle it anymore. Even though I had my husband and my family, I still felt incredibly isolated. Depression has a funny way of tricking you and making you think the absolute worst things.
Anyway, I did it. I acted on it, but after a few minutes I felt a huge wave of panic crash into me. I thought to myself, if I whisper to my husband what I did and if he wakes up, I’ll know I made the wrong decision. So, I whispered to him what I had done and he woke up immediately.
After that everything is kind of a blur. I know that I freaked out and locked myself in the bathroom. My husband told me that I was demanding the car keys because I wanted to drive home. He said that I was out of control, so the only logical thing was to get some help. He called the cops. I remember them coming in vaguely and trying to get me to go to inpatient, but like an idiot, I refused.
That night made me realize that I really did need help. I could not do this by myself. I was going to have to find a therapist and start over with a treatment plan, because I wasn’t ‘better.’
To be continued…